August 2025
Eventually, the questions start to slow, sometimes even stop. Sometimes you are left wondering where they disappeared to again. It is like the bedroom becomes a black hole, sucking them in and trapping them there. In place of your active, questioning child, you have a moody, quiet, hiding teenager. The shift can be quick, leaving you spinning and wondering what happened to your sweet baby. It can also be subtle, leaving you one day wondering when everything changed. You may feel powerless and wonder what exactly is going on in that brain of theirs…modern science and research have shed some light on that subject. We now know that puberty is the biggest change to the body since the first two years of development. Every part of the body is affected as hormones shift and change. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK534827/) The brain also changes - they are literally losing their minds! (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3705203/) As parents, we cannot stop change, but we can disciple them through it.
Consistency is still a key part of parenting. Just as with younger children, teenagers need to know that there are still boundaries. Boundaries may change as children age and take on greater responsibilities, but they still need to be there to provide security as they reach out and take risks. We can’t just remove all safety measures one day. They need a slow progression to more freedom and responsibility. This is probably the hardest age to watch them fail, but they must still be allowed to fail. The stakes get higher as they get older. The consequences can become much larger. However, they must be allowed more freedom each year as they prepare to leave home soon. They have to be allowed to make decisions, even if they are the wrong ones. We set boundaries, give guidance, and allow them to sink or swim. We are there to cheer them on to success and to hold them as they cry in their failure. Then we push them back out there to try again, try something new, or move on to something bigger. They need to know what we believe, what rules are in place, and that we won’t change our minds. Some days, my teen and my toddler are in need of the same thing: a mom who won’t change her mind just because they threw a fit about not getting their way. Love them too much to give them unrestrained, unlimited freedom. They are not yet ready for that. They will get there. They will soon be adults responsible for all of the decisions and beliefs, and rules of the house. We need to slowly wean them from their dependency on us, while continuing to protect them from themselves.
They may want to just hide in a hoodie, but communication is also an essential part of adolescence. Keep talking to them. Keep asking them questions. Be interested in what they are interested in, even if you are not as experienced with the topic. Seek to understand their thinking, likes, desires, and wants. Remember back to your own odd and awkward shift into adulthood. It is exciting and scary and exhilarating and unfamiliar and thrilling and unknown. Home is safe, but they will leave home and take risks and talk to friends. Friends become the ones they want to talk to first. Not only should you continue to monitor and know their friends, but you also need to keep open communication. Your child needs to continue to feel safe coming to you with all the things they are going through. They should be able to talk to you about all the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual changes they are experiencing. They should be moving from just reciting catechism questions to asking questions and seeking answers. Talk to them about new things they may have learned, new thoughts they are thinking, and what they are hearing from friends and the media. Ask them their opinions on political, social, and other such issues. Challenge them to think beyond themselves and to consider the ramifications of the ideas they have. Ask them to defend their beliefs and support them with Scripture. Their faith must be their own, and they should be quoting scripture, not parents and pastors. Seize every opportunity to ask them questions, listen to their responses, and challenge their thinking. They will get these challenges from outside of your home, so be sure they are prepared. We don’t send soldiers into battle without proper training and equipment. As our children head out into the world, we are sending them into a spiritual battle. Ephesians 6:11-18 tells us, “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints.”
They may start to look more and more like adults, but they still need your love and care. There are times when this child, bigger than you, wants nothing more than to snuggle up against you. They would still sit in your lap if they fit! You need to continue attending their games, concerts, and events. You need to be continually engaging them in conversations about life, love, and everything they are experiencing. Our oldest is currently in this stage, and we are not perfect parents. I have learned not only from advice and examples, but also through trial and error. I have learned from failure. I am speaking from my personal experience in hopes of encouraging you in yours. None of us is a perfect parent; we don’t have it all together, and sometimes we make it up as we go along. Our adolescent is our oldest, and therefore, our guinea pig. Those firstborns experience all of their firsts alongside ours. As time goes by, it seems to be moving faster! There are so many years with your children, and adolescence comes at the end of their time under your roof. Yes, you may have many more years of them coming for dinner and sharing life with you, but these are the last years of your authority and protection. All too soon, you will be handing your daughter over to a husband or watching your son provide for his family. Don’t become a spectator early. Be actively engaged in their care and growth while you still can.
When they enter adolescence, you truly notice that time is short. That baby grew up before your eyes. The one you drove home so carefully from the hospital is now driving you around town. Instead of princesses, dragons, Legos, fairytales, and blocks, playdough, and dolls, you are talking about jobs, colleges, and marriage. It comes before you’re ready. Use these years to have deep conversations about life and faith. Point them to Christ, the same yesterday, today, and forever, when everything seems to be changing. Pray for them and cheer them on as they take on new challenges and responsibilities. Equip them for whatever may come their way, and always keep the communication open…we will talk more about that next month as well.